At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
