My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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