My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
