I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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