I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Hippo gnu deer
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
