He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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