do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
