Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
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