I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
