textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
