there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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