apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
