Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
