i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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