i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
