Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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