walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
