How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
fuck your aforementioned shoe
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
