I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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