is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
