What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The beer is more important than you right now.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
