I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
