I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
