I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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