she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
