I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
