I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i think i have two assholes
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
