when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
