ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
