Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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