This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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