I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
my poor anus
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
