put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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