i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
