sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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