i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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