Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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