if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
