we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
