There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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