I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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