I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
