I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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