Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
