btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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