She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
