Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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