when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
