wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
