Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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