Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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