Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
